4 Ways to Lead a Healthy Life After Divorce

I never thought that divorce would be a part of my story. And to be honest with you, I never really understood people who divorced until...I was faced with the "D" word myself. I guess I used to think that those who divorced just "gave up"...that they made a decision to walk away, it was too hard so they were "out"...quitting...abandoning the marriage.

Disclaimer:

This post is not about whether it's okay to divorce or not. We all have different journeys, different stories, different personalities involved. The truth still remains that marriage is hard and it takes two willing people to make it work.

My counsel to those struggling in marriage is always...put one-hundred and ten percent into making it work. Do what you have to do to restore the marriage. But again, it takes two working together to restore and repair whatever is broken in the relationship.

This post is not to justify divorce but to encourage those who have found themselves stamped with the big "D" to live healthy lives on the other side.

Here are 4 ways to help you lead a healthy life after divorce:

1. Become Better Not Bitter - Bitterness will only cause more hurt and pain and ultimately, health issues. Use your circumstance to better yourself. Start working on “you.” Work out, eat healthy, get good sleep, start a new hobby, grab a cup of coffee and read a book, go on a weekend get-away… see this as an opportunity to change for the better. Let go of the anger and resentment and feelings of being wronged. The Mayo Clinic has found that letting go of grudges and bitterness can lead to:

Healthier relationships

Greater spiritual and psychological well-being

Less anxiety, stress and hostility

Lower blood pressure

Fewer symptoms of depression

Stronger immune system

Improved heart health

Higher self esteem

2. Meditate and Reflect - Divorce is stressful and mentally draining. Your mind can go 90 mph if you let it. You need intervals of time to sit and meditate and allow God to help you make sense of the divorce and use it for good. Divorce is like a death. You need to be able to grieve the death of the marriage…a death of a dream. Let’s admit it. No one sets out to get divorced. On the wedding day there are dreams of building your life together forever not visions of sitting in front of a judge splitting everything you both worked so hard to create and working out a parenting plan.

3. Surround Yourself with Encouraging People - Be choosy with your friends during this time. You are very vulnerable. You need a community of friends in your life who are grounded and will point you to truth when you are tempted to believe lies. Sometimes this might mean seeing a counselor for a period of time or joining a support group like DivorceCare to help you process everything that has happened. We need people who are committed to walking through the journey with us and praying for us. These same people will be your rock. When you can’t go on anymore, they will step in and carry the load with unconditional love, sweetly reflecting the love of Christ. We were created for community. We need others in our life. Be careful who you choose!

4. Realize Divorce is Not the End of the Story: You are not disqualified from the race because your marriage ended in divorce. The truth is...you are the most qualified if you will only allow God to transform you in the process and use you. The very thing you are allowing to make you bitter, God wants to use for His good and His glory! He has something so amazing in store for you on the other side. How do I know that? Because His Word says!

It’s the gospel! From death comes life--The Resurrection! God brings order out of chaos. He makes all things new. And this can happen for you! Divorce is the death of a dream. And in that, a part of you dies too. But it doesn’t end there!

New life comes! Spring comes and flowers bloom. You laugh again. You smile again. You will be changed if you allow God to use your divorce to reveal Himself and His character. The more you see God in the midst of it, the more you will be transformed. The more you are transformed, the clearer your story will become. The clearer your story becomes, the more you will share it with others!

Resources:

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True Rest for Your Soul

One of the things that I struggle with the most is balancing the rhythm of work and rest. It seems that even when I set aside time for "rest," whether it be an hour of "quiet-time" or a time blocked out for "vacation," I still come away feeling unrested.

Rest is very important to our body's physical and mental health. Physical and mental activity both require energy and produce a waste buildup. During rest, energy is restored, and the waste buildup is diminished. Our bodies were created so intricately that our bodies know what to do when they are in a state of "rest" or "sleep." Several parts of our body are being repaired as we sleep such as:

• The brain

• Hormones

• Immune System

• The Skin

• Muscles

• Blood

• Digestive System

So How Much Sleep Do You Need?

(From the National Sleep Foundation)

• 0-2 months/newborn = 12-18 hours

• 3-11 months/infants = 14-15 months

• 1-3 years/toddlers = 12-14 hours

• 3-5 years/preschoolers = 11-13 hours

• 5-10 years/school children = 10-11 hours

• 10-17 years/teens = 8.5-9.25 hours

• Adults = 7-9 hours

While sleep and rest are needed to restore and repair the body, our bodies are not designed to function off of serveral intervals of sleep or "naps." Experts have studied the importance of REM (Rapid Eye Movment). The first REM sleep period occurs 90-120 min after sleep onset in which one usually experiences about four or five periods of REM sleep in one night's sleep. REM deprivation can cause mild psychological disturbances, such as anxiety, irritability, and hallucinations. Other effects can include difficulty concentrating, increased appetite, migraines and puffy eyes.

Allowing our bodies to sleep is very hard. It's a discipline. Judith Shulevitz wrote an article in the New York Times called Bring Back the Sabbath and this is what she had to say about this very thing...

"This is why the Puritan and Jewish Sabbaths were so exactingly intentional, requiring extensive advance preparation -- at the very least a scrubbed house, a full larder and a bath. The rules did not exist to torture the faithful. They were meant to communicate the insight that interrupting the ceaseless round of striving requires a surprisingly strenuous act of the will, one that has to be bolstered by habit as well as by social sanction...And not even our group leisure activities can do for us what Sabbath rituals could once be counted on to do. Religious rituals do not exist simply to promote togetherness. They're theater. They are designed to convey to us a certain story about who we are without our even quite noticing that they are doing so. (One defining feature of religious rituals, in fact, is that we often perform them for years before we come to understand what they mean; this is why ministers and rabbis are famously unsympathetic when congregants complain that worship services or holiday rites feel meaningless.) The story told by the Sabbath is that of creation: we rest because God rested on the seventh day. What leads from God to humankind is the notion of imitatio Dei: the imitation of God. In other words, we rest in order to honor the divine in us, to remind ourselves that there is more to us than just what we do during the week."

Most people think that all you have to do is stop "working" and you will find "rest." Not so! Why? Because resting in more than a physical issue. It's an internal issue as well. We need an inner rest! Whether you realize it or not, you have this inner struggle to prove yourself and this is where our inner weariness comes from. Everyone wants to know that they matter. That's why most vacations leave us tired...because they don't deal with the REM of the soul.

So How Do We Find REM of the soul?

1. Cease Striving: Realize that there is only one opinion that truly matters...GOD! And He is pleased with you! You are not defined by how much money you make or how many customers you have. You are not defined but how many "likes" you have or even by how many friends you have. You are not defined by how much you know. Don't become a slave to these things...that's not rest, that's work! The only defining factor is your relationship with God!

2. Realize That He is In Control: You are not God, HE IS! You are not the one that brings about a booming business, or a following of friends or a wealth of knowledge. He is the One that determines that. Let Him do it! He can do it better that anyone on this earth because HE created earth and everything in it!!

3. Come to Him and Rest: He is Lord of the Sabbath! Sabbath was originally instituted to give man rest from his labor. Jesus came to give us rest from laboring to achieve our own salvation by works. The cross is our rest! "It is finished!" You are complete in God!

If we were smart, we would incorporate a ritual or habit of keeping the sabbath! There you will find true rest!

Creating a Balanced Life in a Topsy Turvy World

What is your definition of success?! I love Zig Ziglar’s visual of “The Wheel of Life.” He says you must master some degree of success in each area of life before you can experience the true satisfaction of total success.

Here is Ziglar’s short list of the characteristics of what he believes success is.

1. Success is knowing that you did a great job when you close the door to your office at the end of each workday and head for home.

2. Success is having a home and people to love who love you in return.

3. Success is having the financial security to meet your obligations each month and the knowledge that you have provided that security for your family in the event of your demise.

4. Success is having the kind of faith that lets you know where to turn when there seems to be no place to turn.

5. Success is having an interest or hobby that gives you joy and peace.

6. Success is knowing who you are, and Who’s you are.

7. Success is taking good care of you and waking up healthy each day.

8. Success is slipping under the covers at the end of the day and realizing with gratitude that “it just doesn’t get much better than this!”

Too often we get sucked into the mindset that success has to do with material things. But if we focus all our energy on making money to gain more material wealth then we miss the boat completely. No doubt God wants us to be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and subdue it. But it is not for our own personal gain. It is to help those around us flourish as well. It is to take care of ALL that God has given us, gifts, talents, career, family, finances, relationships, and health, etc.

Career - We can tend to put all of our energy into our work. From the beginning of time man has struggled to "make a name for himself." And the way he tries to do that is by his "work." But if you focus all your energy on work, even good work, you loose sight of the other things God has placed in your life to help you flourish. The society we live in demands that we have income. Our job is to find a way that is inline with our gifts to help generate an income to take care of ALL God has given us.

Family - One of the things that is essential in any family is quality time spent together. If you come home at the end of the day and put your feet up and ask to be left alone, you are missing out on the great opportunity to invest in your littles (who might not be so little anymore) and help them become the men and women God created them to be. Do you sit down as a family to eat dinner? Do you created experiences together? Are you being a good steward of your family?

Financial - This is one of the biggest mindsets we need to make. We tend to want to look at money as evil. Money in and of itself is not evil. It is what you do with it. Are you meeting your financial obligations? Are you budgeting well so that you can take care of your home? Paying your mortgage (if you have one), keeping your lights on? cable and phone if you have it? How about transportation? School fees? Providing food for your family? helping others? To make money is not bad. Matter of fact it is part of the system God has placed us in. From the beginning He allowed us to create and be and subdue the Earth and make use of it. Through time, as society grew, the system of trade came into play.

Spiritual - A sure way we will be able to be a healthy balanced person it by getting to know the One who created us. Knowing who we are and Whose we are propels us to be good stewards of all He has given us. He is the One who gives us our gifts and He has given us a wonderful example to follow in His son Jesus. As we strive to become more like Christ, our natural response is to give everything over to Him and allow Him to be Lord of every area of our life.

Personal - We each have different gifts, talents, personalities, interests, etc. We can be a healthy balanced person when we are engaging in activities that help us rest. Think of this as soul care. What energizes you? What renews your soul. God has placed us in His beautiful creation. Take some time and explore it. Adventure. Just sit in a hammock and read a book. Go on vacation. Spend time with friends. Go out to eat. Go to a movie. We tend to think that these things are not spiritual so we shouldn't waste our time. Even Jesus pulled away to renew His soul. So don't you think we should too?

Mental - What you think about, you bring about. Our minds are amazing. What we think about determines our attitudes, our actions, and our very livelihood. How are you exercising your brain? Are you creating and imagining? Are you always learning? Are you conversing with others? We weren't meant to be in our own head. One good exercise is to find something you are super interested in and then learn everything there is to know about it.

Physical - Ahhhh. The one thing no ones like to talk about. This has to do with how we are taking care of our body. Are you eating healthy? Are you exercising regularly? Are you getting regular check-ups? Getting adequate amount of sleep? You would be amazed at how much more productive you would be if you took good care of yourself.

Total success is achieving some level of success in each of these areas. Not one or two areas. But EVERY area. Continually evaluate yourself to see how you are doing in each area. If you feel one area is out of balance, think through how you could bring it into balance.

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Success involves the whole person, an if you skimp on one area,

you will limit your success in others.

- Zig Ziglar

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Listen to Creating Balance in Your Life on the podcast Gospel-Centered Purpose